jedi

Last night I decided to take a step forward and went out,
my friend and his wife had graciously invited me to dinner.
Dinner was great,
we drank, ate and listened to soul
as he told me about his new apartment and married life.
I was really happy for him but left his place
when i decided that I didn't want to listen anymore.

I really wanted to be engaging,
wanted to know more about how he was doing,
his apartment and his married life.
but not then.
I felt flat, poor company basically.

During these times, the company of friends is no
different from the comfort of strangers
when there is so much you want to say,
but don't feel comprehension and empathy.

There've always only been a couple of people
I spoke to, with, and now not even that.
Coming out from a relationship where
so many things were unsaid,
only to be met a sense of apathy and lost connection
from a mate, I feel let down.
Maybe it was our recent conversations -
they kept revolving around my difficult situation,
or maybe I wasn't the mate I should have been.

I know I haven't been the best of company,
and I'm trying to get better,
Going out, getting my life back into shape.
But it takes time, it's not easy.
And it gets even harder
when you feel the best friend isn't there.