SQ 197 returns

I know i've been shite at writing... and have not done so.
But I've been busy reading others and writing in another.
~
I've been back for 17 days, and have broken up for 9.
We waited for 370 days, fought through so much.
And after i landed, decided to call it quits afer 1 week.

I loved her so much. I still do.
I used to say the joy was indescribable.
It felt as if I was about to burst when we were happy together.

but as a mate used to say,
it's not what you do together, but what you do apart
that keeps you together.
How true.

Sometimes when things come to a head,
when you've tried to do everything in your power and then some,
Whatever else just makes things worse.
Recently, whatever i've done or said is met with
resistance, exasperation or frustration.
Let it lie, wei.

I have to leave things behind,
cut loose, it's painful, but my only path to recovery.
I don't know if i'll ever hold her again.
I prepare myself by saying it will be someone else.
She will be happy with someone else.
It's almost too much to bear.

When i have a moment alone,
i permit myself a little peek into the past,
and smile and whisper a little I love you.
~
The past year has been painful,
and i've been angry, frustrated and resentful.
I try so hard to see things from your end,
believe me, i do.
I know you also felt the same pain, same frustration.
I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you sad baby.
I never meant to cause you so much pain.

I often feel like I don't know what you're feeling,
because while you tell me, it's often cryptic and short.
And you fall silent again.
When I tell you something, often you just keep quiet,
listen and then not tell me what you think.
It's so difficult, i feel so cut off from you.
You say I'm too literal, baby, that's me.
I try to hear you out, and when I ask stupid questions,
I wished you'd bear with me, I was trying to understand.

I know i'm more verbose, baby that's me.
I've said this over and over,
and sometimes i feel like I an emotional machine put on repeat.
But it's cus I couldn't say what I needed to.

You said I hated you.
How could I ever? I love you to death.
I loved then, I love you still.
When people are angry, they say things they don't mean.

Yesterday, you told me the break was actually a break up.
Today, i've started my path to recovery.
I agree, only when we dispel notions of each other can there
be recovery.
I know when you get better, you will start dating again.
And it may not be me.
I don't want to hope, because I want to get on with my life too.
Perhaps it will be 3rd time lucky,
but I don't want to hope.

Take care baby.
I love you lots and lots.
I'll miss the momo schmells.