It's been sometime since i've written.
Again.
I earlier said that I write mostly when i'm sad
but I just realised it's not that true as well.
Hell, i've not been writing, but i'm still feeling the pain.

My mate said to me,
you have to walk this path Wei,
there's no escape,
you have to feel all the pain,
all the hurt,and cry all the tears.
That night I went home
and cried the hardest ever did in my life, really.
The lie in bed, and sob uncontrollably
in a foetal position type crying.

The pain of true acknowledgement is immense,
when you see what is truly put in front of you.
No trying to think of what the future holds,
no trying to remember the what the past felt.
Think present, be present, feel present.

I've been going out and doing things again,
travelling, meeting friends, taking up a photography class,
and i feel happy while doing them.
But when the party/class/catch-up ends,
the reality of my situation again descends upon me like a heavy shroud.
Reality bites.
I go home, seeking solace in the fact that tomorrow will be a better day.

~

I realised during this time how brilliant my friends have been.
I hate the feeling of being a burden to people,
taking up their time by endlessly talking about the same things.
But I have.
And they have been endlessly supportive, patient and caring.
Calling or texting me to see how I am,
asking me out because they knew i needed to talk but didn't say it.
I've guess i've never allowed myself to depend too much on others,
and sometimes try to take on everything alone.
But when you just allow others to care,
allow them to be there for you,
you'd be surprised how they do,
and I am really really moved.
Thank you Harsh, Tiff, Shuls, AC.

~

I'm allowing myself to feel the entire gamut of emotions now,
the days of crying whenever i've a private moment,
the days when I hope that things will change,
those when I realise they are the way they are.
When I brood about it,
when I think nothing.
Talking about it over and over,
shutting up and not saying a word.
Calling up all my friends in my phonebook,
wanting to be alone.
I thought once that if I was really strong,
I could control all these things.
But you really can't,
and just end up being unfeeling, rational and dead.

I want to live, love and offer more next time, not less.
In short, just being human, I guess.