Progress update : 21 Nov 2005

It's been 7 days since I was told the news.
It's not going to work,
it's been decided,
other people are being seen.

It seems like such a long time as well.
Looking back, it seems like about a month ago.

Maybe it's because I have thought through so much,
felt even more, and cried a little less.
When you know you have no choice,
acceptance is painful, but easy.

All you need to do is to not think of the memories,
the good times, and focus on healing yourself.
But it's hard not to think of those moments,
the places, the laughs and her.
My momo.
Said rightly so, every corner is littered with memories.

I know she's probably seeing someone else now.
That is hard to accept,
knowing that someone else is doing things you used to do together,
laughing with her, holding her.

But it is over, and everyone is desperate for happiness.
who doesn't want to leave the sad times behind and laugh,
wake up feeling full and loved?

I guess I would do the same if I were in her shoes.
But the thing is, I'm not.
I'm in my shoes, those shoes that wanted things to be done differently,
those that wanted to make things right.
But when you're the only one left in the room,you can either stay or leave.
I've left because staying behind is impossibly painful.
But I still can't quite close the door quite yet.

~

Back to myself,
Ram and Charlie's wedding was brilliant,
it was an eighty's revival,
square room, rock the casbah.
I danced, acted silly and drank lots of vodka.

In these 7 days, I look back and am heartened by the progress i've made.
Sure the pain is still there and i still cry (but only a little).
But i have begun to feel moments of happiness,
begun to laugh, begun to say silly things again.
My friends are beginning to cheer and are glad to see me back.

I realise photography is not my thing.
Good then, it probably brings me a step closer to knowing what i like.
I think it's still music, listening, mixing and creating.
It's been 9 years now, and when I think of it,
it still gives me that feeling of wanting to rush out and do it immediately.

I look at the guys who have started after me and
have since played regularly in clubs, big and small.
And i think, i don't want to be half arsed anymore,
I want to do it the best I can, it's own little challenge, to get a regular spot in a good club.
But more importantly, it's something i am doing for myself.
I want to do something i love, and make myself happy.

Yea, it's a new day, a new week.
And it's ok wei, things can only get better.
I love you baby.