way

Progress update : 21 Nov 2005

2005-11-21T09:25:00.000+08:00

It's been 7 days since I was told the news.
It's not going to work,
it's been decided,
other people are being seen.

It seems like such a long time as well.
Looking back, it seems like about a month ago.

Maybe it's because I have thought through so much,
felt even more, and cried a little less.
When you know you have no choice,
acceptance is painful, but easy.

All you need to do is to not think of the memories,
the good times, and focus on healing yourself.
But it's hard not to think of those moments,
the places, the laughs and her.
My momo.
Said rightly so, every corner is littered with memories.

I know she's probably seeing someone else now.
That is hard to accept,
knowing that someone else is doing things you used to do together,
laughing with her, holding her.

But it is over, and everyone is desperate for happiness.
who doesn't want to leave the sad times behind and laugh,
wake up feeling full and loved?

I guess I would do the same if I were in her shoes.
But the thing is, I'm not.
I'm in my shoes, those shoes that wanted things to be done differently,
those that wanted to make things right.
But when you're the only one left in the room,you can either stay or leave.
I've left because staying behind is impossibly painful.
But I still can't quite close the door quite yet.

~

Back to myself,
Ram and Charlie's wedding was brilliant,
it was an eighty's revival,
square room, rock the casbah.
I danced, acted silly and drank lots of vodka.

In these 7 days, I look back and am heartened by the progress i've made.
Sure the pain is still there and i still cry (but only a little).
But i have begun to feel moments of happiness,
begun to laugh, begun to say silly things again.
My friends are beginning to cheer and are glad to see me back.

I realise photography is not my thing.
Good then, it probably brings me a step closer to knowing what i like.
I think it's still music, listening, mixing and creating.
It's been 9 years now, and when I think of it,
it still gives me that feeling of wanting to rush out and do it immediately.

I look at the guys who have started after me and
have since played regularly in clubs, big and small.
And i think, i don't want to be half arsed anymore,
I want to do it the best I can, it's own little challenge, to get a regular spot in a good club.
But more importantly, it's something i am doing for myself.
I want to do something i love, and make myself happy.

Yea, it's a new day, a new week.
And it's ok wei, things can only get better.
I love you baby.

2005-11-11T08:36:00.000+08:00

It's been sometime since i've written.
Again.
I earlier said that I write mostly when i'm sad
but I just realised it's not that true as well.
Hell, i've not been writing, but i'm still feeling the pain.

My mate said to me,
you have to walk this path Wei,
there's no escape,
you have to feel all the pain,
all the hurt,and cry all the tears.
That night I went home
and cried the hardest ever did in my life, really.
The lie in bed, and sob uncontrollably
in a foetal position type crying.

The pain of true acknowledgement is immense,
when you see what is truly put in front of you.
No trying to think of what the future holds,
no trying to remember the what the past felt.
Think present, be present, feel present.

I've been going out and doing things again,
travelling, meeting friends, taking up a photography class,
and i feel happy while doing them.
But when the party/class/catch-up ends,
the reality of my situation again descends upon me like a heavy shroud.
Reality bites.
I go home, seeking solace in the fact that tomorrow will be a better day.

~

I realised during this time how brilliant my friends have been.
I hate the feeling of being a burden to people,
taking up their time by endlessly talking about the same things.
But I have.
And they have been endlessly supportive, patient and caring.
Calling or texting me to see how I am,
asking me out because they knew i needed to talk but didn't say it.
I've guess i've never allowed myself to depend too much on others,
and sometimes try to take on everything alone.
But when you just allow others to care,
allow them to be there for you,
you'd be surprised how they do,
and I am really really moved.
Thank you Harsh, Tiff, Shuls, AC.

~

I'm allowing myself to feel the entire gamut of emotions now,
the days of crying whenever i've a private moment,
the days when I hope that things will change,
those when I realise they are the way they are.
When I brood about it,
when I think nothing.
Talking about it over and over,
shutting up and not saying a word.
Calling up all my friends in my phonebook,
wanting to be alone.
I thought once that if I was really strong,
I could control all these things.
But you really can't,
and just end up being unfeeling, rational and dead.

I want to live, love and offer more next time, not less.
In short, just being human, I guess.

on conversations and caring

2005-10-27T14:25:00.000+08:00

Lately I haven't been writing,
it's not a bad thing,
I usually write only when i'm sad,
or maybe its because I've just been lazy.

~

I'm starting to enjoy talking to strangers,
not for perverse reasons, no,
but for the simple pleasure of conversation and discovery.

It's amazing how the rest of the world is different from you.
I recently learnt about out-of-body experiences,
dolphin insemination,
how it's like singing in a band,
the small town of Lundt,
and that most Gujerati's are merchants.

At times, after these conversations,
I realise there is so much out there,
and I only have so little time in this world.
Why waste moments on mundanity?
Go ahead, live it, feel it.

~

Yesterday, I spoke to a jaded and cynical friend about indifference.
Sure it is easier not to feel than put yourself out there and get hurt.
Indifference is powerful; a cocoon that protects,
yet at the same time causes others to come forward, to give.
Isn't that how Leslie Cheung got Carina Lau in Days of Being Wild?

I excelled in this game before,
and won many battles,
only to end up losing the war.
I caused those who loved me and whom I loved to leave,
and others, pain and frustration.

Now I choose to care, I've learnt to bother.

- To go the extra mile for friends and not expect us all to be
'mature adults who should know what he/she is doing'

- To try and keep a best mate that has drifted,
because 18 years of friendship is worth more than a
'Why bother, it's his fault not mine.'

- To ask my mother how her day went,
because it makes her happy.

- To be active than passive-aggressive,
because it is a hurtful thing to do.

- To explain myself to those whom I love,
because their opinions matter.

- To really listen, and not just wait for my turn to speak.

Sure this means there is more to work to do.
It is also easier to get hurt and rejected.
But I would rather this than not feel,
because the one who loves, lives.

It's funny though,
this probably contributed in some way
to the demise of something beautiful in my life.
Emotions, they're a funny thing,
if not managed, can really ruin you.
But I'd rather choose the difficult path
of reining it in than turning off the tap in future,
because I want to have more to offer next time,
not less.

jedi

2005-10-21T16:22:00.000+08:00

Last night I decided to take a step forward and went out,
my friend and his wife had graciously invited me to dinner.
Dinner was great,
we drank, ate and listened to soul
as he told me about his new apartment and married life.
I was really happy for him but left his place
when i decided that I didn't want to listen anymore.

I really wanted to be engaging,
wanted to know more about how he was doing,
his apartment and his married life.
but not then.
I felt flat, poor company basically.

During these times, the company of friends is no
different from the comfort of strangers
when there is so much you want to say,
but don't feel comprehension and empathy.

There've always only been a couple of people
I spoke to, with, and now not even that.
Coming out from a relationship where
so many things were unsaid,
only to be met a sense of apathy and lost connection
from a mate, I feel let down.
Maybe it was our recent conversations -
they kept revolving around my difficult situation,
or maybe I wasn't the mate I should have been.

I know I haven't been the best of company,
and I'm trying to get better,
Going out, getting my life back into shape.
But it takes time, it's not easy.
And it gets even harder
when you feel the best friend isn't there.

Chicago

2005-10-16T17:13:00.000+08:00

Great weather,
beautiful architecture,
lake michigan and ferry rides.

Lunch with Dave at Houlihan's,
Baby back ribs,
american food in America, baby.

Hyde Park to get a friend's watch,
I'm lucky I didn't stumble into the rough
neighbourhood two blocks away, I'm told later.

A quick drink at Rodan before heading home.
Wrong.
Learnt about ayuhuasca treatments from Dan the day trader,
training dolphins from Bernie the barbie from vegas.
It's amazing what comes your way when you're alone at the bar.

Jen and chris showed up and accompanied me with more lychee martinis.
I drove back 35 miles at 1230, sociable, tired and almost drunk.
It's been a great trip.

This morning, I had bacon and sausage.
I won't be having that in a while now.
Chinese food would be a welcome change.
Remember to hold on to your luggage real tight when exiting the airport now.

~

I slept in 3 different hotels in 6 days,
when you're always on the move,
there's no time to stop and think.
It's surreal when you look back,
people and places just past,
yet seemingly so far away.

It makes you miss home sometimes.
I wonder what my folks, the guys and you are doing.
It'll be nice coming home.

2005-10-14T18:10:00.000+08:00

it's ok, i know if you wanted to,
you would have done so already.

randomness

2005-10-14T02:22:00.000+08:00

Transport - Pontiac Grand Prix

Salad lunch on Thursday

Downtown

2005-10-13T12:46:00.000+08:00

It's 15 degrees in Chicago.
I've been here for only 3 days,
yet it feels like i've been here for some time.
Not because time is dragging,
but because I feel pretty much at home.
Left hand driving included.
It's ok, once you get over the fact that
sometimes you do drive onto opposing lanes.

I was downtown this evening,
chic restaurant, good conversation,
chilly weather, highstreets.
I felt like I wanted to be away again.
Thanks Jen and Laurel, for being great company tonight.
More work tomorrow and
I can't wait to do touristy stuff on Friday. Ha ha.

I missed you on Monday.
You would have loved it here.

That strange feeling

2005-10-10T08:58:00.000+08:00

I've been doing pretty fine. I think.

Except for the occasional depressed sigh,
I am getting back into work,
going out with the boys and even running again.
I feel myself coming back, slowly.

It's all too suspicious, am i really that fine?
Or is depression just round the corner,
waiting to tumble my emotional house of cards?
I don't know.

Yet, there's this strange feeling again (like Fri night),
that strange comforting feeling.

~

You spoke about looking over your shoulder.
See that's the funny thing,
I feel as if I am not looking back,
but looking forward instead.

Looking forward to rediscovering myself, being happy,
and wondering how it would be like if we started all over again.

It's like I had a little peek into the future and
saw that everything would be fine,
and I'm looking forward to getting there.

Somedays I imagine how it would be like to start over,
you know, just taking it easy, hanging out, chatting,
going for a drink, a movie, laughing with each other.

There'll be the serious stuff to talk about for sure,
but there'll be time and place for that.
For now, maybe it's enough to remind ourselves of the good times.
Allow us to rediscover each other.

Maybe I'm completely wrong,
and we'll both end up with someone else.
It's just a feeling I have, this strange feeling.
I don't know, do you?

~

I hope you will find your heart again baby.
Maybe difficult times have made you jaded,
or maybe it's just me,but there's always a way out,
so don't give up ok?
It'll be fine, promise.
I love you. Lots.

Empathy

2005-10-10T08:51:00.000+08:00

I had dinner and drinks with a friend earlier this week,
we've known each other for years and
although we've don't hang out as much now,
the beauty of being good friends is when you meet,
it's as if you've never been apart at all.

I've been pretty tired of talking to friends
of my current problems really,
they often tell you things that are either
1. unempathetic, 2. generic, 3. unhelpful
all of which do not help me, and just serve
to shut my already withdrawn self up even further.

We spoke about my what I went through while I was away,
and what caused me to feel and behave the way I did.
And she told me what she thought.

But unlike all the other advise dished out so far,
I felt real empathy and genuine understanding.
It was as if someone had been through what i had and knew how terrible it felt.

'Dark, bleak and a sense of hopelessness,
followed by a spiral out of control.
So tiring, but unable to run away from your thoughts and emotions.'

How that summarised what I felt,
emotions in a state of disarray,
trying to reign it in but seeing it slip further everytime.
Trying to be strong, but really running on empty,
and trying everything possible,
but always feeling like it's the same horse being flogged to death.

I saw her shudder and recoil and realised
she felt the pain of what I went through these few months.
That someone truly empathised felt never felt so comforting.
I didn't have to explain myself again,
nor defend us from being misunderstood.
It was seen completely for what it was.

She offered to help, and I left it to her.
The comfort offered was enough to let me sleep better that night.
Together with the 5 martini's I had while talking.

SQ 197 returns

2005-10-06T17:09:00.000+08:00

I know i've been shite at writing... and have not done so.
But I've been busy reading others and writing in another.
~
I've been back for 17 days, and have broken up for 9.
We waited for 370 days, fought through so much.
And after i landed, decided to call it quits afer 1 week.

I loved her so much. I still do.
I used to say the joy was indescribable.
It felt as if I was about to burst when we were happy together.

but as a mate used to say,
it's not what you do together, but what you do apart
that keeps you together.
How true.

Sometimes when things come to a head,
when you've tried to do everything in your power and then some,
Whatever else just makes things worse.
Recently, whatever i've done or said is met with
resistance, exasperation or frustration.
Let it lie, wei.

I have to leave things behind,
cut loose, it's painful, but my only path to recovery.
I don't know if i'll ever hold her again.
I prepare myself by saying it will be someone else.
She will be happy with someone else.
It's almost too much to bear.

When i have a moment alone,
i permit myself a little peek into the past,
and smile and whisper a little I love you.
~
The past year has been painful,
and i've been angry, frustrated and resentful.
I try so hard to see things from your end,
believe me, i do.
I know you also felt the same pain, same frustration.
I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you sad baby.
I never meant to cause you so much pain.

I often feel like I don't know what you're feeling,
because while you tell me, it's often cryptic and short.
And you fall silent again.
When I tell you something, often you just keep quiet,
listen and then not tell me what you think.
It's so difficult, i feel so cut off from you.
You say I'm too literal, baby, that's me.
I try to hear you out, and when I ask stupid questions,
I wished you'd bear with me, I was trying to understand.

I know i'm more verbose, baby that's me.
I've said this over and over,
and sometimes i feel like I an emotional machine put on repeat.
But it's cus I couldn't say what I needed to.

You said I hated you.
How could I ever? I love you to death.
I loved then, I love you still.
When people are angry, they say things they don't mean.

Yesterday, you told me the break was actually a break up.
Today, i've started my path to recovery.
I agree, only when we dispel notions of each other can there
be recovery.
I know when you get better, you will start dating again.
And it may not be me.
I don't want to hope, because I want to get on with my life too.
Perhaps it will be 3rd time lucky,
but I don't want to hope.

Take care baby.
I love you lots and lots.
I'll miss the momo schmells.

Friday Night In

2005-01-14T23:03:00.000+08:00

It's Friday night and even after much planning for dinner and drinks earlier,
I'm still at home.
at 10:30pm.
after steamboat barbeque at Pekaka.
with no plans after.

It's a real let down, considering the week was so busy.
But hell, it's Penang, and I guess expectations have to be tampered.

I'm trying really,
trying to meet new people,
getting myself into diving again.

But these things do get me down,
especially when so much is happening in Singapore that
I should be part of.
Then again, like someone said to me,
I chose this place to further my career,
so let's make the best of things,
take the good with the bad,
and focus on the things that are important.

I've got 3 goals, and I shouldn't forget them.
Tomorrow, I visiting an island with friends,
perhaps that would be good.
Let's hope so, I want to take a break.
From doing nothing.

I'm writing again

2005-01-09T21:47:00.000+08:00

I've stopped writing for some time here.
I should start again,
so much to say from what has gone through my mind,
what i seen, felt, heard and spoken about the past ninety days.

Some things that I should have said but have not...

1. of understanding,
2. of expectations,
3. of realisation (self and those around me),
4. Beijing, (Wee Lim & Regina - brilliant people)
5. a quiet new year,
6. of my 2005 resolutions,
7. Penang - take II.

I'm reading Tuesdays with Morrie,
and i come across familiar and novel ways of perceiving things.
it's chapters provoke reflection.
Right now, i'm consolidating thoughts about me,
I feel like i'm nearly there,
years of chipping away at layers,
the tools that are experience and reflection
are sifting the immutables from the temporal.

the result i hope will be self assurance at it's best,
because I want to be able to care for the woman
who is helping me decide what to cut and what to leave.

2004-11-24T23:54:00.000+08:00

The most thought about thought....

2004-11-24T23:53:00.000+08:00

The most thought about thought....

2004-11-18T23:34:00.000+08:00

Dining

2004-11-18T22:37:00.000+08:00

Master bedroom toilet

2004-11-18T22:36:00.003+08:00

Bedroom

2004-11-18T22:36:00.002+08:00

Hall

2004-11-18T22:36:00.001+08:00

Kitchen

2004-11-18T22:36:00.000+08:00

Study

tonight i met ramesh

2004-09-18T01:15:00.000+08:00

it's a fri night in Penang and i've just returned from
a sumptious dinner with sublime company in surreal settings.

it started with Ramesh.

I met R when Shirish (colleague) sent me to R's apartment
before heading off to fetch Divya (wife).
Walking into a dingy apartment on floor 12A (13 is unlucky),
I was greeted with fluorescent lighting and Sun TV.

'Can I smoke?'
'Of course, you drink?'
'sure, water is fine.'
'ok'
1 cigarette lit.............
'so how long in Penang........ how do you like.........where are you from.....'
............. and finished
'johnny walker?'
'sure'
'bitings?'
'eh?'
'bitings, to eat'
'oh sure'
1 cigarette lit, whiskey drunk and chana eaten.
and R officially became my friend.

Then Shirish and Divya came back.
We headed to Little India for dinner
in R's 28 yr old Peugeot 504. (my dad's second car when I was 8)
Rocking like a boat because the shock up's were a little worn,
I nodded off to sleep.

Little India looked more like Karachi.

The food was however, very good though.
Many laughs amidst paneer, roti and lassi
I was having a wonderful time.
I also realised that according to R',
Mumbai had the world's best coffee.
It also seemed to have the best chapati, curry and chana,
plus call centre customer satisfaction ratings.

I was chockful when we decided to take a walk
around little Karachi to settle the food.
Eventually, chaia was called for and
Srinivas (waiter from restaurant in street corner I cannot recall, who apparently works in a very famous hotel in Mumbai, the best in fact, according to R)
served me masala tea in a stainless steel cup.
this was opposite a shop selling indian deities,
funny thing was, it was run by a chinese,
which probably explained the Mercedes parked outside.
R said it was a BMW. The best.

-- Discussion on Ahmehrica and Iraq for 20 mins yahr --

'shall we go?'
'chello..'

with hindi music playing in the love boat,
I lived the Peugeot commercial heading back to the hotel.

11:30 pm I ended my evening with R, Shirish and Divya.
Fucking brilliant. It was the best.

i'm here now....

2004-09-14T22:09:00.000+08:00

all the preparation, all the goodbyes
and all the psyching up....
finally, i'm here.
at the equatorial.
with a tummy ache.

i'm waiting a little apprehensively for day 1 tomorrow,
trying to do all i can.
i've decided what to wear, when to wake.
and although i've done everything possible,
there's still so much more it seems to be done.

'that' frame of mind still escapes me,
the one that let's you know that you're on top of things,
where you feel like nothing is too big for you.
right now, it all seems a little too big.
i want to organise my car, my housing agent, my knowledge.
but only Discovery gets watched.

perhaps, i'm a little over eager,
too wanting to impose structure,
i so want to 'prepare' that i forget to enjoy myself,
and enjoy the room (executive deluxe room courtesy of motorola).
after all, it's when you know not overdo things that things get done.

i guess i could leave the HF work till tomorrow,
and make sure the most important thing gets done right tomorow.
get to work on time.

i'll wake up at 6:30,
the breakfast better be good.

2004-09-11T18:51:00.000+08:00

life - picnic in the park

SQ 196 departs on Tuesday, 14th Sept at 3:45 pm

2004-09-10T11:24:00.000+08:00

My flight is sorted, accomodation is confirmed, visa is approved (finally),
good byes have been said (again), room has been packed, my party's been had.

I'm off.

It's going to be 2 years in Penang at Motorola.
Should be fun, working in R&D at the DIC,
sure there'll be shit to clean up and stress to deal with,
but if not, how can the chill moments of jacking be savoured?

I've had enough of non-corporate enviroments,
2 years of an MSc back at school and about a year doing my own thing.
Really, this working in a complex and large organisation makes me excited,
designing products for people around the world -
allowing them to have a better day at work
because of one's intellect, intelligence and ability,
changing habits, communication and
living patterns through good design.

2 years then.

But a mate once told me after hearing my plans and their timelines,
"wei, you'll be surprised at how fast opportunities come for you when you excel,
you might not need the time you think you do."
florida, shanghai wherever, i'll first need to top the class.

let's do that.
=======================================

To these people (listed randomly):

Ming :
i'm happy for you,
knew you could do it and
it's about bloody time.

Harsh :
i'm impressed by the resilence (damn, you were good),
fuck the koreans and
it's back to the days of plenty.
Glad you made your decision,
because the house in Bukit Timah is expensive, no?

Ram :
Get married.

Itmam :
memorable conversations,
D.M.C - some Deep, Mostly Cock
and for christ's sake, it's just lunch.

Bren :
Thanks for the free booze and fags.
F1 on sundays were great.

Eugenie:
This time I'm here to stay.
It's always the worthwhile things that
seem a little more difficult.
Love you.

Aichen :
I'm happy you got out,
it can get pretty stuffy.
Rug up, London is cold.

Cheryl :
Dont' worry, it's not your time to go yet.
And no more ramblings about boys.
Get on with it.

Dad :
knows a lot,
thinks even more,
speaks little.
my old man, gotta love you.

Mom :
let go.
i love you.

All:
visit, I hear the beaches are good - http://www.geographia.com/malaysia/peisle.html

=======================================

SQ 196 departs on Tuesday, 14th Sept at 3:45 pm
and from the way MID works, Malaysia boleh my ass.

ashley's alley

2004-09-05T14:13:00.000+08:00

friday,
could be monday, thursday or sunday,
these days it feels no different.
you can't take a break from doing nothing.

still, drinks with friends for whom it still holds meaning is welcome.

familiar faces,
"how's work" greetings and
slipping into the feeling of easy.
though gwailos stand with
imports in one hand and
locals in the other,
still, the bar is great.

alley bar, i like you.
thank you ashley,
nobody does them like you do,
a little advice from me,
keep the glasses foam free.

drinks : see 'not us : one too many'

2004-09-05T14:12:00.000+08:00

us 1 : sobriety

2004-09-05T14:11:00.001+08:00

not us : one too many

2004-09-05T14:11:00.000+08:00

mates

2004-09-05T14:10:00.000+08:00

us 2 : morning after

2004-09-03T13:12:00.000+08:00

me again,
beer again,
fullerton behind me,
this was supposed to be a going away get together,
but am still here because of MID - movement is denied.

weilieh.com - for a lack of originality

2004-09-03T11:37:00.000+08:00

just bought weilieh.com, it lacks originality you say,
and i agree, it was originally supposed to be weiworldwide.
but then i didn't have enough photos to put up
and justify its existence,
nor have i been enough places.
california-kualalumpur-beijing-hongkong-tokyo-california-london-glasgow-wales-bali-melbourne-sydney-goldcoast-paris
hm, seems a long enough list,
i regret not taking enough snapshots of these places though.
F420 will sort me out - digital not analog, experimentation not wastage,
but Jacelyn Tan still looks like a fucking transvestite.

so weilieh.com it is.

2004-09-03T01:56:00.000+08:00

obvious, my preferred beverage

My first web log

2004-09-02T23:49:00.000+08:00

spent 3 hours ripping CD's to mp3's.
All this talk about it being illegal and all, sure it is.
But hey, I'm not the one driving the bloody Bentley,
so, fuck you all, I'm on my way to filling my iPod.

Kinda short for my first post,
and since it's all new to me,
I'm prolly still deciding what to put up here
other than the usual thoughts and photos.

Will decide shortly.